A recent conflict that I have experienced personally
is with my 18 year old son. My son just turned 18 and he’s a senior in high
school, he and I seem to constantly have the same conflict. The conflict is
regarding his lack of taking accountability and responsibility for his house
hold chores. The conflict comes in when he doesn’t wash the dishes and clean
the kitchen appropriately on his assigned days. He may skip washing the dishes
or half wash them or sometimes do a poor job. This really upsets me and his
father will talk with him, but, he will even wash the dishes and just tell me
not to get so worked up over some dishes. When I approach him about his lack of
concern and respect for his assigned chore I always end up yelling or comparing
him to his sister and he just shuts down and may not give a proper explanation.
I know I can practice nonviolent communication, because I end up yelling, which
never solves anything. I try to be respectful of his position, but, I feel that
his position is based on plain old laziness. I do offer incentives, such as;
allowances, then he will perform his job, then he ends up falling back into the
same bad habit again. If anyone has any advice for resolving this conflict I would
really appreciate it. It just seems as though this teenager is one stubborn
cookie!
I can relate to your conflict with your son. Now that I look at having issues of my children not obeying the rules, I should have taken the approach of the conflict resolution of addressing each person's underlying need, (Conflict Resolution,n.d.). Maybe if you and your son can discuss how it is important in following rules and taking responsibility which will help him in the future when he is an adult and maybe a parent.
ReplyDeleteYes, Thanks for your encouraging words and advice. We just want the best for our children!
DeleteI find that I get the most angry with my kids in a conflict because of the feeling of personal responsibility for making them independent and responsible adults. When they do not show a sense of that responsibility I am more than just upset that the task did not get done. You worry that they won't be able to take care of themselves or be productive individuals in life. I think the first thing you have to do is take a step back from the situation. In this conflict you might not be able to see it from your son's perspective so look at it from a third side, or an outsider. Are there other ways that he expresses responsibility? Then I would try to explain these underlying concerns to your son. It might not encourage him to do the dishes, but he might get a better understanding of why it bothers you so much. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for you advice Tricia! That is exactly how I feel, I am more angry or in fear that he will not be responsible in his own life, and that nonchalant attitude frightens me, this is why I explode. But, I will look at the third side approach, which i have before, but, maybe with new insights I can revisit it.
DeleteTanya,
ReplyDeleteThat is definitely one tough conflict that you have described!! Teenagers--YIKES!! I think most mothers can relate with you when you speak of the viscous cycle of offered incentives and then him slacking off after awhile. I think the best advice I can offer is being consistent with your consequences and incentives with your son. However, if I understood your post correctly, it appears that your son's father might be undermining your efforts to establish responsibility in your son, especially if he is washing the dishes FOR your son. And going as far as to tell you to take it easy as it is only dishes, really seems to downplay what is important to you as a parent and what you want to instill in your son. In my honest opinion, I think the first conversation needs to occur between your son's father and yourself, of course, without your son present. There appears to be a power struggle of sorts between the two of you. Good luck, Tanya!! And just remember, you are not alone--many, many, many mothers have dealt with the exact same issue as you. :)
Pamela
Thank you for sharing first and foremost. My brother was like that and instead of yelling my grandmother made him eat off dirty dishes until he learned how to wash them. IT may not be a good idea but it taught him how to clean up after himself and help more around the house
ReplyDelete